"If I don't get to sleep in, ain't nobody in this university gonna get to sleep in."
"The retirement age needs to be lowered to 25. I've had enough."
"Once, a customer got angry with me because I told her we didn’t have grass-fed chicken. She said, 'This is supposed to be a healthy restaurant!'"
Oprah Joking About A Fan's Cracked Phone, Then Sending Him A New One Is The Feel-Good Story I Needed Today
"That's me! That's me in your cracked phone."
I'm from Arkansas and I literally do all of these things. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"Adding both 'around' and 'ish' qualifiers to your anticipated arrival time is gay culture."
"Pasta shells filled with my favorite things for supper: peanut butter, chicken paste, tomato ketchup..."
"We’re talking about politics now. You might want to bring another [round of Champagne]."
Make your way around the globe.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the most popular, obviously.
"Keep me in your thoughts and prayers today. Nothing's really wrong — it’s just time for FAFSA again."
"Middle-aged people send “k” texts not knowing the weight it carries."